To Boldly Go Or Not
by HeartOfTheWild
Summary: As much as I love DBM there are one or two things that constantly irk me. In this (hopefully) amusing short story I try to resolve the reasons why...


To Boldly go… or Not.

…

The starship flashed briefly in the afternoon skies above the small country town. A cloaking device was quickly engaged and no one in the rural burg noticed the behemoth hovering in the skies above their heads.

Aboard the bridge of the Starship EntranceOnly lights twinkled and flashed. Across a multitude of time lines and universes they had searched. For decades they had been looking and finally the Universal General Galactic Search™ device had finally brought them to this time and this place.

'Well?' asked the stalwart StarMan Captain Berk who was lounging in his captain's chair, 'Where has the UGGS™ brought us to this time?'

Science Officer Spotz twitched his long antennas and said in his dull monotone voice, 'We are hovering above a small rural town in the Southern Hemisphere of the planet Dirt sometime in the mid-twentieth century.

Berk sighed at Spotz. 'How many times do you need to be told it is EARTH, not DIRT, Spotz?'

Spotz just rolled his eyes and muttered 'Whatever.'

'Can you pick up anything Lieutenant Uluru?' Captain Berk inquired of his communications officer. The young, gifted and black, Lt. Uluru twiddled the dials and fiddled with her earpiece. 'I have picked up standard radio communications. It seems they are speaking a form of Universal English but the accent is extremely thick and unintelligible. The Translator is struggling, but it sounds like the town is known locally as 'Balls-of-Rat' or something similar.'

'Odd sort of name' put in Lieutenant Jerqoff.

'You're not one to talk,' snarked back Dr McBoni.

'Gentlemen, please!' exclaimed Berk. 'Spotz, why has the UGGS™ brought us here? It seems an unlikely place to find our subject. And we must do so soon or our universe is doomed.'

'It appears the UGGS™ has correlated a number of strange aspects about this place that indicate we may locate him here. Observe the viewscreen and tell me if you notice anything strange.'

The large vision screen in front of them showed a 4-wheeled personal vehicle driving down a dirt track, dust billowing up around it. The vehicle pulled up to a dwelling and stopped in a cloud of dust.

'Och well, they are getting around in something that is hideously carcinogenic and not environmentally sound. I find it a wee bit odd that they don't seem to be worried for their health or planet!' exclaimed Dr. McBoni.

'This is an era of ignorance regarding the evils of the petrol-chemical industry and its' devices.' Observed Spotz dryly. 'That is not what I am referring to. Look at this view of the town streetscape and notice the vehicles all parked there.' They all looked closely at the line of automobiles.

'Why they are all so clean and shiny!' squealed Lt. Uluru.

'PRECISELY.' Replied Spotz. 'Note the earlier car, even though it drove through clouds of dust showed no evidence of dirt. And see here,' the screen showed a farm vehicle. 'This is obviously some sort of farm utility vehicle, yet it is pristine in its' condition showing no wear or dirt in spite of it being loaded with all forms of cut grass, animal manure and some type of smelly 4-legged creature. There is obviously some form of General Repellent Technology® at play here. But I cannot locate any electronic or magnetic signals to indicate any such device and the locals seem oblivious to this anomaly.'

'Well, that is interesting but not conclusive. Maybe the locals just spend a lot of time caring for their vehicles?' said Berk

'Captain' noted Lt. Jerqoff. 'Here is another irregularity. According to my readings the current surface temperature is 35c. And records show that in this seasons' temperature regularly exceed 41c! That is quite hot, well out of the comfortable range for our species, yet these people seem to be dressed quite inappropriately for such extreme heat. Look!' And the viewscreen began to show people wearing heavy clothing walking up the main street of Balls-of-Rat.

'That man in particular is insane, or I'm not a Doctor!' exclaimed McBoni pointing to a bearded, tall well-dressed man walking down the road wearing a hat and a woolen three-piece suit. 'He must have some sort of thermal regulation device under that getup or else he would be a spot of melted goo on the pavement!'

'Curious' observed Spotz. 'The UGGS™ has gathered further evidence of anomalies in this area. It seems that the average murder rate for this country is somewhere around 1.8 victims per 100,000. But here in this town of only some 2,000 souls the rate is almost 1 in 20 people!'

'That's astounding!' exclaimed Captain Berk. 'Is there some sort of temporal force attraction to this place to cause this? And what do the people do about it?'

'It appears the locus of these events all focus around one person – he seems to attract puzzling murders and this person has an incredible ability to solve the mysteries and bring the miscreants to justice.'

'Who?' exclaimed the Captain jumping out of his seat, 'Can he be the One?'

'Yes, I believe it is so, Captain.' Responded Spotz smugly. 'Not only that, the locus is the very man that McBoni pointed out!'

'You don't mean…'

'Yes, I believe that the man in the three-piece suit is the Smartest Man in the Universe!'

There was a collective gasp on the bridge. Eyes were glued to the screen watching the man in the three-piece suit strolling the street. As his face came closer into view, he suddenly stopped, looked directly up and into the eyes of Captain Berk, smiled and winked.

'MY GOD! He sees me!' Berk fell back into his chair in shock. 'Quick Jerqoff! Get a lock on that man and beam him up!'

'Locked on. Got him!'

'Spotz! Boni! With me!' and the three men rushed to the transporter room.

By the time the time got there. (the voice activated lift was acting up again and insisted on stopping on all 26 decks before reaching the transporter room offering them tea and coffee along the way) the Smartest Man in the Universe was casually leaning against the transporters' console, twirling his hat in his hand and earnestly discussing with the operator the merits of the 1960 Ashes team compared to previous and succeeding years. The SMITU turned to watch the trio enter the room, smiled a genial grin at their flustered state and said,

'Gentlemen! I expected someone would find me eventually. Why are you here at this time and place?'

'You are him, aren't you?' Asked Berk hastily. 'You _are_ the Smartest Man in the Universe? We have searched through countless universes and time lines across decades to find you!'

The SMITU gestured to his body expansively. 'In the flesh!'

'Interesting,' mused Mr. Spotz. 'You are nothing like I expected.'

'Well, logic would dictate that the Smartest Man in the Universe would be unexpected. Correct?'

'That is logical'

'Well then, here I am. Why have you disturbed me? It is also logical to assume that if it took you so much trouble to find me it is logical that I may not have wanted to be found!'

'We desperately need your help back in the 22nd century. It hasn't been the same since you left' Said Berk earnestly. 'War with the Kreepons is imminent and we have no way to stop it! Our weapons are useless against their superior forces. We need your help to formulate new weapons and a plan of attack.'

'Hmmmm. I can see you are all distressed and I understand this is important to you, but I am afraid I am unable to help.' Replied the SMITU.

'But you MUST help, the future of the Universe depends on you!' cried Dr McBoni. 'You must come back with us! Back to the future!'

The SMITU smiled gently at the doctor. 'No, the future of the Universe depends on you three gentlemen. I cannot help you. In this time, I am a Doctor, not a war monger. And I wish to remain here and live out my life.'

'You surely understand your continued presence here affects aspects of this world. There are incongruities and aberrations caused by you being here.' Stated Mr Spotz.

With a wave of his hand the SMITU dismissed their concerns. 'There is nothing I cause or do that I cannot control. After all, I am the Smartest Man in the Universe.'

'Please,' pleaded Captain Berk. 'Come with us. Leave this shit-hole of a town and join us in our glorious quest to save the universe from the scourge of the Kreepons!'

With a frown the SMITU looked at the three men in front of him. 'No. I cannot help you. I like it here in this 'shit-hole' town. But I can give you some good advice.'

'Why won't you leave with us? Why?' Captain Berk was almost in tears.

'My good man. Listen to me and listen well. I may be the Smartest Man in the Universe, but I have been as dumb as a box of rocks when it comes to understanding people. But I am learning. This is my advice to you. There are not many consolations in this life. Good whiskey is one. But a good woman is even better. Here, in this time and place I have found both and I will not leave. All of you, StarMen and Kreepons both need to sit back, relax, have a drink together, find a mate and chill out.'

With a wave of his hand, he disappeared. Watching the viewscreen on the bridge, Lieutenants Uluru and Jerqoff saw the man in the three-piece suit snap into existence again on the Balls-of-Rat street. He smiled up at the two Lieutenants, turned and started to walk down the street. Once again, he gave a commanding wave of his hand and the cloaked Starship EnterHere disappeared from the skies.

…

Captain Berk looked around in startled surprise. Where had the SMITU sent them? His entire crew and he were sitting in a bar somewhere in the 15th quadrant. Across from each StarMan sat a KreepOn warrior looking similarly confounded. On the table between them was a bottle of Scotch and two shot glasses.

Wide-eyed Captain Berk stared at the formidable female warrior opposite him. She looked back at him and smiled a shark's sharp toothed grin. Carefully he reached forward and poured two drinks. He passed a drink to his companion, raised his in salute and downed it one gulp. Looking at her winningly, he smiled and asked, 'Has anyone ever told you what stunningly beautiful eyes you have?'

…

Wild.


End file.
